I returned, triumphantly, from months of touring. The city never looked so beautiful as it did the evening I arrived home. I couldn't help but notice the gorgeous "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" billboard as my taxi rocketed through lower Manhattan. Had things changed in my absence? Did the people finally rise up and demand more from television, tearing down a "Grey's Anatomy" billboard and replacing Patrick "Loverboy" Dempsey's image with that of Err? Had they taken to the streets with torches and axes, hunting down everyone involved in the production of "The War at Home"? As I would soon discover, nah, that hadn't happened. That horrible show is enjoying its second season. I also found out that Food TV has dissolved into nothing but meaningless challenge shows and unhelpful crap. "According to Jim" is in syndication. Geraldo Rivera is still getting a paycheck. Worst of all, you can't even buy a box of crackers anymore without seeing Rachael Ray's yap on it. Up is down, black is white, right is wrong, ketchup is mustard. Bad, TV, bad! This is why we can't have nice things! But I can't stay mad at you for long. I love television more than Gil Divine loves a fresh pineapple on a hot Christmas morning. It's okay, people, help is here.

(Click the remote control to continue.)